Spencer Lars Stephens.....

My dad has been in town since Wednesday and I have been able to go over and see him everyday which has been nice. This is the first time in a long time that I feel like I have a relationship with him. I have been typing a bunch and then erasing it....afraid of how it will be interpreted. Oh well, here goes. There have been times in the past that I have done token visits with my dad and the truth is I wasn't a 100 percent enthusiastic about visiting him. Every since my dad has had his stroke it been pretty much up to us to visit him....since his mobility is greatly compromised. He lives in a tiny city about 15 miles from I-15 and there has been too many times that I have calculated in my head the amount of extra time it would take to visit my dad and decided to just keep driving north or south.

It's several hours later from when I started writing this post and I am wondering about how smart I am exploring this subject in a blog. On our way down to the hospital my dad told me that he really didn't know how to be a dad.....his own dad died very young in a mining accident. Since this is the first go with being a son....I guess you can say that I really didn't know either. We both know that we have made lots of mistakes....one of which I mentioned above.

Another of my mistakes is that when ever I see my dad, I want it to be about me. I want him to ask about every detail of my life, but my dad lives mostly alone and has lots to talk about himself and the family history that is his passion. Because of his health, my father has many moments when he wants to impart some of his wisdom, tells me about the mistakes he has made in hopes that I don't do the same.

I don't know what really happened on this trip. Maybe he was willing to talk about me....maybe it was me willing to listen to him.....but it was different. I can't speak for him but for me I passed a milestone in our relationship. For some reason I really wanted to do this....normally I wouldn't of minded someone else making the 3 hour trip to pick him up and bring him here. I asked for day off and drove to Adamsville. I really can't remember when the last time I drove for any distance in a car with my dad but it was fun. We talked mostly. My dad started to talk about how he would like some new music to listen to while he worked on family history so I turned on the Ipod and gave him a sampling of some of the music I could get for him asking him if he liked each of the songs. I had a song in particular that I thought that my dad would like and started to play it and told him to listen to the lyrics and paused the song to summarize what was going on. The song was "Three Wooden Crosses" by Brad Paisley (I think) and by the end of it we were both in tears hardly able to speak. I know it sounds sappy but it''s true. The song was about death and whats really important in life....which had been the elephant in the car the whole way down. That's really not true....the elephant in the room was our relationship....we could easily talk about death. My father has been preparing for it for a long time. We have a hard time talking about us. (What I am about to say I am sure many will criticize me for say but its the truth.) Most of my life....I have felt that I had been ripped off in the father department...and most of the time that is what I wanted to talk about. My hurt, my pain, my wrongs. Maybe I let go of all that and just wanted to be with him this time. I hope so. I don't know what it is but I do feel that its possible to have a relationship with him.

When we got to St. George before he went to the hospital....I wanted to show him my home. I drove him to the house and drove the car in the backyard to show him the view. I drove the car into the garage just wanting him to see as much as he could. I asked him if he wanted to go inside and he said that he didn't that he was fine just seeing this much. I really wanted to show him inside so I got out his wheelchair and told him that I wanted to take him in. He objected at first saying that I wouldn't be able to get him inside but I insisted. I got him inside no problem and I am glad I did it. We showed him all of the downstairs then Anji took the camera and video taped the upstairs and then we watched it on the TV. He was able to see RJ and we got some pictures with the three of us. I never had any Grandpa's alive when Iwas born. RJ is going to be able to have the three best Grandpa's a boy could ever ask for. It's late......so I am going to go to bed. Dad, I love You! I know that you are going to read this and I hope that you are ok with everything I wrote.